Let it BE

"Letting be is reverence; it is respect. It is what all true worship presumes, for it is letting God be God, letting self be self, letting suffering be suffering, letting joy be joy. With this letting be comes a growth into being and into identity with all these important energies of our lives."

~ Matthew Fox

My life is full. Full of goodness, full of conflict, full of joy, full of sorrow, full of fear, full of love. My life is full of understanding, confusion, resonance, misinterpretation, adversity, acceptance. I was, I am, I am becoming. I am not this or that. I am this and that. Infinitely divisible. Inseparable. Constantly changing, seeking balance. At any given moment, I may be perceived as this or that, but I am much more and much less.

I am All.

If I am All, “All for One and One for All”, and I look at another, is that other any different from me? Yes and no.

“Nonbeing gives birth to the oneness.

The oneness gives birth to yin and yang.

YIn and yang give birth to heaven, earth,

and beings.

Heaven, earth, and beings give birth to

everything in existence.

Therefore everything in existence carries

within it both yin and yang, and attains

its harmony by blending together

these two vital breaths.

Ordinary people hate nothing more than to be

powerless, small, and unworthy.

Yet this is how superior people

describe themselves.

Gain is loss.

Loss is gain.

I repeat what others have said:

The strong and violent don’t die natural deaths.

This is the very essence of my teaching.”

#42 the Tao Te Ching of Lao Tzu, translation by Brian Browne Walker

Recently, conflict arose in my life. In this conflict, differing thoughts and feelings were exchanged amongst women who carry with them varying life experiences, ideas and beliefs that filter what they hear, affect how they listen and inform their choices. I felt the anger, the self-righteousness, and the fixed posturing anchored on the opposing sides of a decision that needed to be made concerning a project I am working on. I once said long ago, “I welcome conflict into my life, it is an opportunity for growth.” I did not state this as a challenge with a desire to bring it into my life, but rather acknowledging it as a valuable exercise in learning to embrace and accept all that is and hopefully to deepen my understanding of self and others.

Lately, I have been perceiving conflict as a confluence of different energies that have not yet fully merged and harmonized. After many years, I now trust that the increased momentum, volume and directional pull that creates turbulence will eventually be drawn back into the flow. Seeing these energies as a phenomena that exists in the natural world provides me with a relative context that connects me with something much larger than my insignificant ego.

One of the aspects inherent in conflict is anger. I relate to anger as fire with an upward energy of expansion and intensity. It requires fuel to continue burning and it contains the power to create and to destroy. I have learned that when anger arises in me, it is present for a reason. It is saying, “pay attention, there is something here that is important for you to stand up for, or ... to heal within yourself”. This indicator must be present in each of us. Can I honor someone’s anger? Can I learn from someone’s anger?

In this recent case of conflict and expression of anger, I recognized the wisdom of letting anger be anger. I knew it was important not to add fuel to the fire. I did not turn or run, but I dropped the bellows. Slowly, I am learning a new way. I knew in this case it was important for me to step back, let go of my personal convictions, remain engaged, and listen to this person’s anger. Where is it coming from? What is the anger saying? If I could let go of my own ideas and beliefs, which I could easily validate, I may learn something. Interesting to note that stepping back is also an important aspect of advancement in the painting process. While painting I can become consumed and focused with one small area that may please me or trouble me and if I don’t take the time to stop, step away and see the big picture I miss the relationship of that piece with the whole.

I decided to listen to the thoughts and feelings of other women that were not involved in the conflict. What I learned is that the anger that arose and I witnessed is rooted in a pain that is universally shared by women. It has been experienced in different ways to varying degrees, but it is a common thread in our herstories as women. For some the story has no voice, for others the voice speaks out demanding respect, and for others, the voice is soft, yielding and powerful. Giving the time to step back to gain a wider perspective offered me the opportunity to be mindful and more aware of my collective connection with other women. I too have experienced this pain. We share something similar, yet we are so different.

In allowing anger to be anger, and allowing pain to be pain, and giving time to listen to the views of others, I experienced the transformational grace of empathy and compassion and I yielded. I understood that the issue that arose was superficial to the power in the lesson underneath. I was not going to convince anyone that I was “right”, because there was no right or wrong. What mattered was my relationship with the whole that is born from the Oneness which gives birth to this and that, which is inseparable.

Awareness of Desire

“Stay centered in the Tao and the world

comes to you:

Comes, and isn’t harmed;

Comes, and finds contentment.

Most travelers are drawn to music and good food.

When Tao is talked about, the words can seem

bland and flavorless.

Looked at, it may not catch the eye.

Listened to, it might not seduce the ear.

Used, it can never be exhausted.”

the Tao Te Ching of Lao Tzu, translated by Brian Browne Walker

8:22pm on a Saturday night and I have sat for two hours in debate with myself. I haven’t sat at a crossroads like this in over seven months and here I am, wanting to go off in a direction that has only a past and no future. That is to say, “have I learned this one yet?”

I want to be dancing right now. Dance for me is freeing. I am the most comfortable within my body when I am dancing. I feel no pain when I’m dancing and I lose all self-conscious concerns when I’m dancing. Nothing else matters, only the rhythms of the music exist. They are what they are, pure rhythm. Layers upon layers of sound vibration. I can choose which one I want to explore and I open and allow the music to move me, and it does. The mind falls away and I meld into Being.

Two and a half hours ago there was a strong spontaneous urge to get in my car and drive down the mountain to the city of Roanoke to hear some soulful Chicago blues played and sung by Bob Margolin. I was dancing in the kitchen this morning with “Global Soul” and I wanted more. But, two hours in the car to listen to music in a place I’ve never been before? Is the Dance there? Do I really want to go alone? I’d take my chances. Yes, alone is preferred when the Dance is a moving meditation. Sometimes it is a social thing, but the Dance is sacred to me and when I dance, I am the Dance. Even in the midst of diverging energies or social atmosphere, I can find my Center in the Dance, and in the Center it is calm and peaceful. There is no separation. It’s about connection. Connection with something beyond words, beyond all understanding, connection that exists without reason and with rhyme or rhythm, connection that encompasses All. So, driving down and back up the mountain late at night for the possibility of connection? With what? Why?

What precipitated this strong urge? Is wanting to hear Bob Margolin and listen to some good blues and possibly dance a guise of something deeper? During the two hour debate I had with myself, I was considering calling an acquaintance that I am interested in learning more about, but that didn’t seem appropriate with such short notice.This is when I began to feel the pull within my body. The restraint that held me motionless grew significantly stronger as the clock ticked away and the window of opportunity slowly closed. When the window shut, I realized that the potential companionship and conversation is what would have made the long drive worthwhile and it wasn’t about the Dance, but it was about connection. A connection of human contact that may have been satisfying. The strong urge that arose, I recognize as Desire. Desire can get the better of you when it leads without awareness, like a riptide that sucks you under and tosses you in many directions, eventually exhausting you. This desire has been simmering very quietly for awhile, for a long while, without disturbing, but someone or something turned the burner up and it stirred me out of my Winter rest in Wonderland.

Patience and perseverance, right timing, rightful action, ... I questioned myself, and took the time to consider the consequences of impulsive behavior. These are the challenging golden moments of self awareness and potential transformational change that I meet along the way. As soon as I recognized what I was truly in conflict with and gained clarity, the subtle shearing pain between my heart, mind and body was released and the awareness of truth revealed was very satisfying. I am learning; it is valuable to step aside and let the undercurrent of intense energy rise and fall and be what IT is. Allowing it to be and riding with the Wave insures balance.