Hail to the Sun God

Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished. ~ Lao Tzu

This Solstice holyday marks a very important transition for me. One year ago today I completed my first full day of traveling across the country with my son, Nathan, towards Portland, Oregon. My west coast destination was to become my new home for several years or longer. The timing of my move was in part necessary, but also very deliberate. It was my intention to harness the strength of the Sun during midsummer to ignite my passion for this bold move into the unknown.

As I reflect on the meaning of celebration on the Summer Solstice, I look around me in the natural world and see everything coming into full bloom. Flowers are erect and colorful. The air is fragrant and intoxicating. The mountain rivers and streams are full and gushing. Soon there will be a fire ban to protect the deep green nurturing forests that surround me. Although the light within the days will begin to diminish, it is summer and the energy available is peaking. 

I have completed a year cycle here in the city. When I arrived in Portland I landed in a temporary home with an old friend from many years ago. She and her husband were very generous and gracious to offer me a place to live while I manifested a place of my own and some sort of employment. Her friendship helped stabilize me and gave me a reference point from which to expand. During last summer season, I manifested a beautiful new home and employment as a nanny. Once the days were noticeably shorter and cooler and the rains began to fall, I was moving about with intensity to gather as many resources as possible to sustain me through the dark, dreary months that were to come.

This past Winter I was at rest, focused on healing the chronic hip pain that had ensued from a previous physical injury and unattended emotional and mental anguish. It has been well over a year since I could hardly carry my body across the floor. My healing continues, though it has been slow and at times barely noticeable. Although I have cried in pain during sleepless nights, I have maintained an optimistic outlook. Recently, something has shifted. In addition to the weekly acupuncture, tuina bodywork and Chinese herbs that I committed to in the Spring, the warmth of the Sun has lifted my Spirit and has given me strength. I am walking through Nature again in its fullness and the recent change in my body reflects the power that lies deep within. It is time now to utilize the resources that have been gathered and to expand, bloom and allow what is to come into fruition, to ripen.

Home - More or Less

This post was actually written two months ago on my way back to Floyd, VA. to prepare my studio for a new renter. I wrote this piece to read at Spoken Word on Saturday, April 21st. The Tankas which I include represent my connection with a dear friend and extraordinary poet, Mara Eve Robbins, who has dedicated her time to bring Spoken Word to a Floyd audience.

Hunched over, thoracic spine almost parallel with the floor, the grey haired woman shuffles through the locker room with a multitude of plastic bags, stuffed with more plastic bags, they are tied to her rolling walker, available for collecting stuff I imagine. She speaks to herself, yet seemingly is speaking to others. I wonder where she comes from, what she is doing here at a fitness center. I flash back 27 years when I was traveling, alone, across the country. I was at the Red Rocks amphitheater, searching for a ticket to see the Grateful Dead. In the parking lot, I met a beautiful man, also traveling, but without a destination. He was traveling to somewhere, anywhere. Neither one of us had tickets. He was there because it was a place to connect with other lost and wandering souls. The curious, gullible and impressionistic young woman that I was, I took him in and we traveled for a while together. He had no home, no family, no job, but occasionally he earned $100 or more a day doing some sort of theatrical pan-handling. Considering that I was traveling on a very small budget, he suggested that I use university campuses for showering when needed. It had worked for him as well as a membership to a national fitness center where he would hang out, work out, shower and meet potential prey. He was homeless and strategic.

This wild eyed, grey haired woman spoke of the man from the psychiatric ward that was trying to interfere with her plan. He was in the whirlpool and he was trying to sabotage her mission. I thought to myself that she was very clever, yet, because she was seemingly deranged, most others in the spa avoided conversation with her. I spoke with her, but conversation was impossible. It was a one way street heading in the wrong direction. I felt fortunate to have a warm home to return to.

My warm home is approximately 2800 miles away from what it is I continue to call home. Ten months ago, I made a decision to move across the country to Portland, Oregon. Here I am.

Crescent moon reflects

early morning wake up call.

Today is my time.

Natural rhythm, open flow.

Greet the day with pen in hand.

I have lived in Portland, Oregon for just over nine months and I feel settled. My needs are met. I am comfortable. I feel safe. I feel supported. Can I call Portland my home? In context I refer to my house as my home, yet, I continue to call Floyd, Virginia my home. I question, what is home? Where is home? Today, I sit and begin writing a new blog post on Home.

The early morning crescent moon is visible from my bedroom window. The light is gray. Dawn beckons me to arise and begin the day though another sleepless night weighs heavily in my bones. 

I rest for a while in bed feeling grateful that I have a dry, warm, soft bed to lay in. Slowly, I begin another day writing - tea in hand. It is Sunday, my day of rest. A 45 hour work week of nannying with two predicted challenging days of managing a difficult child engulfs my creative space. I practice minute by minute being in the moment and let it go for now and focus on the beauty of this day.

Peaceful time alone

interrupted with chatter

of this and of that.

I welcome conversation

with those I share my home with.

Morning greetings and chit chat with housemates, a quick check in of work, relationship, concerns, plans for the day, we go our separate ways with separate plans. There is respect in this household for one another’s individual lives. I am comfortable here.

It is warm today and it is dry. The rain is not called for until later in the day, so I take the rare opportunity to sit outside on the rocks surrounding our fire circle. I am surrounded by trees on a one acre lot and a beautiful house, now my home. The wrap around porch protects me on the rainy Portland days. Today, the birds sing and the sun is peeking through the clouds. Briefly, my tranquil morning moment is interrupted by a raging rant. From my position, I see a man with headphones walking with a forceful, fast paced stride along the busy road in front of my small paradise. The road bends dangerously left and right. Long ago this was a dairy farm. The only remnant is the stainless steel vat behind the storage shed and an old barn sanctioned as a house across the street.

Rumbling trucks pass by, birds continue to sing and squirrels chatter, dogs bark annoyed with something. Traffic does not cease until the buses stop their run. Six hours of city silence is enough though I slumber through it.

The day unfolds and increases in volume of sounds and movement. I have grooved ruts of daily routine throughout the week. I savor this day that flows organically without structure within a timeframe. I relax into the feeling of openness in this day. This day of rest is a holy day. It is the day I reserve for creating sacred space.

There is a sharp contrast to where I came from, living rurally in the mountains of SW Virginia. And, I chuckle. I live in the SW Hills of Portland, Oregon. I am off the urban grid with my winding roads and steep embankments. About as close to home as I can be living in the city. At least, I imagine. A creek runs through the overgrown bank and healing herbs are emerging in the unmanicured corner of the lot. Speaking with my house mate about managing the area, he suggests a chainsaw like attachment on a weed whacker to take out the blackberry thicket and to later kill the roots this fall. A past memory flashes and I see a friend in Floyd dressed from head to toe in protective gear thrashing through brambles gathering gallons of blackberries and later making jam. I smile. I question what it means to live in harmony with the land. City dwellers need to control the environment, plan the design to allow Nature to reside within their perimeters. I am a mountain girl living in the city. It is where I reside. Can I call Portland home?

I am happy here. There is a calmness in living simply with very few possessions and few expectations from those I interact with. I am moving in, slowly, observing, choosing how I want to engage. It has been my mode of operation to dive in and do, whatever there is to do. That pattern exhausted me. I am re-creating, re-designing and I now live in an area with a multitude of possibility and endless opportunities for learning and growth. This is why I am here. 

I am following a path that set course years before I began creating a family. Once my first son was born, I was intent on establishing a home to raise my children. After seven years, I landed in Floyd, Virginia. I lived in Floyd for over 14 years. 

A couple of days ago, I returned to Floyd after being absent for nine months. Flying into Roanoke, I saw the neighborhood I grew up in and the college I attended after graduating from high school. The feeling of deep roots grounded me and stabilized the uncertainty of what I may feel when I walk into the house I once called home, the house in which I raised my children who are now grown and living on their own.

Loving, Letting Go, Leaving and finding Home - Part 2 (on New Years Eve)

WHERE THERE IS LIGHT IN THE SOUL

Chinese Proverb (Lullaby for Logan)

Where there is light in the soul there will be beauty in the person.

Where there is beauty in the person there will be harmony in the home.

Where there is harmony in the home there will be honor in the nation.

Where there is honor in the nation there will be peace in the world.

Affirmation for a New Year R-evolution

The parties, the drinking, the dancing, .... I planned, I passed for the evening. I am attracted to the scene and energy of celebration, but this year, at this time in my life, I am creating something different. I am ritualizing this day. I am honoring the new, quietly, at home, ... my new home. It is beautiful, and tonight I dance within its beauty, loving myself, loving the miraculous wonder of life and reflecting on the year past and the year to Be. Yes, the year to be, in the process of becoming. Revolving, circling around, again, learning, growing, evolving. What do I want to be creating from this day forward?

There is no end, no beginning. Counting down 2011, an upward continuum spiral into 2012, another R-evolution. All that is behind me is within me, I accept it all. No regrets to speak of, only lessons learned and continued growth. What serves me, others? What do I wish to keep, to cherish? What do I wish to discard, to compost, to turn, over, in surrender? What do I wish to give, in service, in love, with passion? 

I worked today. I am nannying one of the most beautiful shining stars that has ever shone upon the Earth. “Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are?”. You are my beam of sunshine on gray, cloudy days, and it is cloudy here, literally, nearly everyday. I exist in amazement when sitting with you. You are growing in leaps and bounds, practicing daily what you instinctively need to learn, and I am witness. How fortunate I am. Your simplicity is full. Your delight in all things simple is refreshing and rejuvenating. You are a heavyweight, and yet, you lighten my load. You nourish my Soul. Your light ignites my own.

My heart opened wider and warmed as I said good-bye to you this evening. Laying in mother and father’s lap, you looked over your shoulder, smiled at me and said, “I love you, thank you, good-bye”. Without a word, your eyes and gesture said it all. I blew you a kiss and wished you a happy day, knowing we would carry on. Leaving, and walking into the dark evening, I felt  hope for a more peaceful world. Little buddha, you shine and are beautiful. Your light and the love shared with mother and father brings joy and harmony into the home. There is hope for Peace.

“You must love in such as way that the person you love feels free”   ~  Thich Nhat Hanh

Loving and letting go allows freedom. I am learning to be free through this shining star. I am loving and letting go, allowing whatever just to Be and I am free.

From this day forward, I will shine and give my love freely, with innocence and trust, like a newborn child, offering beauty, harmony, honor and peace in the world. 

Loving, Letting Go, Leaving and finding Home - Part 1

“He who binds to himself a joy

Does the winged life destroy. 

But he who kisses the joy as it flies

Lives in eternity’s sunrise.”

         ~ William Blake

I have been writing, editing, re-writing, discarding and returning to this post for a couple of months now. It is part of my process to begin writing in a stream of consciousness method, and then to sort, organize, evaluate, read, re-read, absorb, hear my words from another perspective, re-arrange, add new ideas, become overwhelmed, lose interest, start new projects, and return, eventually, to finish. Over the months, I have realized that at this time this subject is much too large for my understanding to be recorded as my Truth. Thus, it is what it is in this moment.

Since age seventeen I have traveled through life carrying with me the above quote, visible daily to absorb as a mantra throughout the day. It is a truth I aspire to live by. Yet, it is a challenge. I love intensely and passionately and I have formed deep connections with many places and many people and in many forms throughout my life. It is not easy to let go of what we love so deeply. And yet, over the years, I have also found that I can walk on and leave much behind. Truly? What does that mean? I am learning to understand. Slowly, I understand the loving, letting go and leaving as a practice and an expression of non-attachment. As a result, my trust and faith in Love and the Creative deepens and I continue to return to a place I call Home.

I have been in a major transition in the realms of children, relationship, career, finance, health and home for over two years. Change is often uncomfortable and disorienting, yet, I am still here on the planet and relatively calm and at peace, knowing that acceptance, vision and determination are key. I am placing one foot in front of the other and moving forward on my journey, but perhaps too often, I look behind, questioning my route. Why? Is Fear nipping at my heels?

The abbreviated history: My youngest children, twins, age 20, graduated from high school in 2009 and left the nest soon after, home life slowed down and became very quiet, very, very quiet. The day after their graduation, I ended an intimate relationship which I had believed would develop into a life long partnership. Although the separation was a healthy decision for me, my heart was injured and is still recovering. Months prior to my sons’ graduation, I hung my first solo art show, which would also be my last for an indefinite amount of time as I made a commitment to enroll in a program to study Tuina, a branch of Chinese medicine, with the martial arts and medicine association that I have been involved with for more than six years. In order to focus on my studies, I temporarily left my art making, other interests and employment opportunities to immerse myself in studying energetic body work. At the time, I did not realize the magnitude of my decision, I just knew I had to do it. The commitment led me deeper into debt, closer to a dream and farther away from the humble abode, land and community I once called home.

The converging pivotal climax of my transition began after my graduation in the Spring of 2010, and the completion of a 5 month internship in July. During the yang intensity of the summer, in the Chinese year of the Tiger, I decided to drive to Tucson, Arizona for our association’s national medicine and martial arts conference and from there, travel for nearly two months exploring my inner landscape of desire and dreams in the inspiring beauty of southern Utah, the Olympic Peninsula, and the coast and valley of Northern California. I returned to Virginia from California in three and a half days. Sitting and driving for that long set me up for a hip blowout and I seemingly injured myself while doing what brings me the most joy - dancing. It has been over a year now and I have danced only once to speak of and my healing has taken many ups and downs and painful twists and turns and continues to be one of the biggest challenges of my life.

My journey to the Pacific Northwest was more than a vacation, it was my way of testing the waters before taking the plunge. Yet, when I returned home, I was still on the edge of the cliff, wondering if I could leap from the precipice and leave home and all that I loved in Floyd to take the risk to pursue further Tuina education and training with my gong fu family in Portland, Oregon and to begin a regular practice of dance with the Gabrielle Roth’s 5Rhythms Dance tribe in Olympia, Washington just 2 hours away. 

The following March, a crisis directed me to my fate and I decided, without a shadow of doubt to move as soon as I completed my year of teaching at Blue Mountain School. Soon after the decision, my house was rented to a wonderful young woman and her two children, my teaching position was filled by a passionate young artist who had just begun to pursue her interest in teaching art to children and my family was understanding and supportive of my decision.

On June 20th two days after a beautiful wedding celebration, attended by many of my most beloved friends and family, I left my one stoplight hometown in the mountains of Floyd County, Southwest Virginia, population 15,000, and set out on the open road to the city of Portland, Oregon, population 584,000, 2,733 miles away from what has been familiar, comfortable and supportive for the last 15 years.

Floyd had been home. When I moved to Floyd in 1996, I never dreamed of leaving. I intended to create a home and I did. I moved to Floyd because I wanted to raise my children in an environment where they could run wild through hundreds of acres of open pasture and pine and hardwood Forest with the deer, turkey, fox, bear and bobcat. Swim freely in the River with fish, otter, osprey and the Great Blue Heron. I wanted them to have an opportunity to form a deep connection with Nature, to sleep under a blanket of stars while listening to owls hoot and bull frogs bellow. I wanted them to know their neighbors as family and to gather together at community potlucks to sing and dance and play music around a blazing fire. They received this and much more and I am grateful. 

I have lived in paradise, why would I want to leave? What could possibly be stronger than my love for this land and its communal inhabitants that I call home? 

When I announced to friends that I was moving, the responses I received varied. Many people commented on how exciting my plans were, “you must be excited!” Actually, I was not excited. My decision came quickly even though I had been sitting in consideration of a move for years. 

I was grieving. 

I was letting go of my physical connection with loved ones in Floyd. I was leaving my home of 15 years. I was leaving the community of support in Floyd. However, I was moving towards something, towards unrealized dreams that could only be touched if there was a proximity to the source and a commitment to the manifestation of a long held vision of life purpose. My need for expansion was clearly evident. When the decision was made, I knew with clarity that it was time to walk on, to let go and leave what I have loved so deeply.

During the previous summer when I was exploring the Pacific Northwest, I was very comfortable traveling by myself, arriving in a new place, finding my way in, through and out. I visited with old college friends, friends that I had met only once before, and I made new friends along the way. I enjoyed the company of mySelf as I traversed through Texas and Arizona, Utah, Colorado, Idaho, Oregon, Washington, California, and through nowhere Nevada onward to the east coast. Returning.

Home.

Where is Home? The location was now ambiguous. I was leaving the familiar, entering the unknown. I really did not have set ideas about how I would be living. There would be many options and locations presented. I did know that I enjoyed my time in solitude and I hoped for a calm and peaceful environment in which to live. While traveling on the road, I was content in my tent alone, all one, sleeping under the stars, embraced by darkness, awoken by bird songs. Often, silence was a familiar and welcomed companion. I was deeply satisfied walking alone through scenic wilderness, along the shorelines with sea stacks jutting out of the cold Pacific waters and volcanic activity deep underground. I journaled. I painted. I photographed. I walked. I sat. I soaked it all in. I and I.

Upon arrival in Portland the following summer after testing the waters the summer before, I lived for two months in the home of a kind and gracious friend who had been the sage girl in my wedding in 1987. Although I felt a tad invasive, I was very grateful to be given this safe and supportive home to create the rough draft for the new life I was creating. I spent long days wondering and wandering through the city, searching for jobs, “interviewing” potential room mates, debating urban close-in, or out with the trees and hills.The exploration was a constant movement towards Home, and I didn’t know it until I arrived. When I arrived, it was clear.

I had diverse living environments to choose from. I kept my options open, creating a viable reason why a particular situation would be beneficial. I would investigate and invariably, it didn’t feel right. I usually make decisions based on my feelings and logic appears occasionally but does not receive much weight in my considerations, though I started believing that I needed to make a decision and just live with it. I had given myself two months which was also the amount of time my hosts had offered me a place to stay while I found my own way. During my full-time process, I acknowledged that I really needed to be surrounded by trees. I needed to feel safe. I needed quiet. I needed to live with people who shared my love for family and other core values. I wanted to be close to my work. I wanted a place to do my art and an extra room for guests and to practice massage. I wanted a place that accepted dogs so my son could visit with my grand pups. I needed something affordable. Wow, that was a lot to be asking for, yet, it was what I needed and wanted. I didn’t want to “settle for less”. I held the vision and then one night, I received a reply from one of my craigslist inquiries, “You sound awesome!”

Two days later, I met my future house mate, and the creator of a home that would become a new home for me. I found the house to be spacious and surrounded by trees on one acre within the city and very quiet. It came completely furnished and offered plenty of storage for my “extra stuff’ and a spare room for guests and a place to practice massage. The 1920‘s dairy house had been completely renovated in craftsman style with an artistic vision and attention to details. I found it to be aesthetically pleasing and filled with art. The energy moved freely within the house and it promoted a calmness which would support my healing and growth. I knew that this was the house and this was someone I could live with joyfully. We talked for several hours and shared on many of the core values that I was looking for in a house mate, particularly the love and appreciation of family. Immediately, without hesitation, I made the choice, and said, “ I want to live here. I will thrive in this place.” Once I made the decision and was accepted, everything began to fall into place. A part-time nanny job appeared at about the same time along with potential full time work in a child care center. As the childcare center job dropped into my past, a second nanny job, complimentary to the first appeared one mile from home. I accepted my work as a nanny and after my full two month stay in my temporary dwelling, I began to create the continuation of my life.

Home, a place deep inside that is in alignment and resonates with the Heart. A place of support, comfort, familiarity and fulfilled needs. Home is my Center from which I find expansion possible.

The Gift of Giving

      Henry Moore "Mother and Child" 1949

      in the Denver Botanical Gardens 2010

October 2 addition to February 16 (non-posted entry)
“Tao gives life to all beings.

Nature nourishes them. 

Fellow creatures shape them.

Circumstances complete them.

Everything in existence respects Tao

     and honors nature -

          not by decree, but spontaneously.

Tao gives life to all beings.

Nature watches over them,

     develops them,

          shelters them,

             nurses them,

                grows them, 

                   ripens them,

                      completes them,

                         buries them,

                            and returns them.

Giving birth,

     nourishing life,

     shaping things without possessing them,

     serving without expectation of reward,

     leading without dominating:

These are the profound virtues of nature,

     and of nature’s best beings.”

#51 the Tao Te Ching translation by Brian Browne Walker

     

Valentine’s day has passed and my “gift” actually came a few days before. I wasn’t expecting anything, as I have no “lover” to speak of and no special “someone”. What felt timely was the unconditional Love I feel for my three sons who are now young men on their own in the world. For me, a mother’s love is deep and it’s powerful. It is yielding and active. It calls for letting go when there is a desire to influence and control. It calls for one to rise up when you don’t believe you can, and to let go of personal wants when you are truly needed. I have immersed myself in mothering for over two decades. It is different than romantic love or a deep friendship, but there is a golden thread which I am just beginning to remember and return to. The exchange of Love I have experienced with my children was recently experienced through giving without expectation to a dear friend. The recognition of the Source occurred many, many moons ago when I had one of those aha experiences. I experienced Divine Love Energy through the Dance. 

Eighteen years ago some of my friends were playing music in a beautiful outdoor setting. My oldest son, then 4, was building a huge bonfire with a friend of a friend, and I was nursing his two younger brothers. All was well, all was peaceful - within my realm of mothering. My youngest children were being cared for and falling asleep peacefully at my breasts. My oldest son was in his balancing element of fire and very content. The rest of the folks, including my former husband were drinking and partying. I was sober and content and in need of connection to something other than the social scene surrounding me. I loved the music. Instinctively, I climbed to the top of the hill above the crowd, removed my shoes and opened my arms to the beauty of the evening and the vibrations of the music being offered. I spun around and around, opening, like a spinning dervish, and as I created a vortex of energy in my spiraling, a channel opened up and a source of energy that I had never felt before poured through my entire being. I did not know at the time the magnitude of the experience, but it was powerful and I did know that. I couldn’t deny it or even shake it off. It had entered my core. In an euphoric state, I returned to my tent.  My husband asked what I was doing up there. He said, I looked like an idiot. My life changed in that moment, though it took many years to take a new form. I knew I had been touched by the Divine. There was no question in my mind. There was no need to figure it out. It just was. It was all about me and God and I was one with All. Even my husband’s comment didn’t evoke anger. I had experienced Love in it’s purest and most potent form. I was grounded, open and soaring. I was deeper than any ocean, wider than any canyon, higher than any mountaintop, flowing freely, boundless. I was one with All. My only explanation/understanding was that it was Divine Love Energy. It was motherly, fraternal, sexual, creative. It was the source from which all things are created. I grew up as a Lutheran preacher’s kid. My father embodied the teachings of Christ. I did not live in fear of God. I did not grow up believing that some people were bad or wrong or needed salvation. I grew up embraced in Love, so this was like returning home.  

And so it goes, mothering has been a deep spiritual path for me. I believe the experience I had while dancing was connected with the Love I was feeling at the time for my children. The connection with the Divine (the Creative) began at my children’s birthing. I was prepared to “ride the wave”. I did not resist pain. I did not even perceive the force that moved through me as pain. It was a strong wave of movement and I went along for the ride. It was going to happen one way or another and so I allowed it to Be. Nature has its way of doing what its going to do. Long story short, my first “hard labor” was about 45 minutes long and the “hard labor” for my twin pregnancy was about a half hour. 

Through mothering, I have learned to nurture with regard to proper development. I have learned to love and let go, give without expectation of a return, and guide without controlling. 

..... Seven and a half months later, I sit, ready to begin writing, and I find this blog, non-posted and relevant to my experience this evening. And so, with the intention to sit and share tonight, I re-read this and realize it is perfect once again with a brief addendum. 

Today began with tears and a longing for change, growth and expansion, and then a friend called and altered the mind-set of the day. The call was a request for some support. My friend had sprained his ankle and asked if I had any recommendations from a Chinese medicine perspective. As a recent graduate of the Ancestral Mountain Tuina School and certified therapeutic bodywork practitioner, I felt qualified to offer sound medical advice based on what I had learned and practiced. I was willing to help. I didn’t realize in the moment that I was willing to drop what I had planned for the evening to assist him and promote his healing. And so it goes, to ride the wave of what we create.

My guiding principle was to offer myself in service without expectation of return. I was motivated by the desire to give. I made no claims that I would heal him, my ego was not involved in this exchange. I would give what I could, and that is something that the Universe would recognize, and I knew and trusted that pure intention would be acknowledged by a greater power and healing would be supported. Energy follows intention.

Tonight my blog entry was going to focus on forgiveness and healing the past of a lost love relationship. Finding this previous entry re-focused my attention on something relative, but bigger. What is Love? Love is expressed in many ways. For me, tonight, the realization of the gift of giving without expectation of something in return aligned me with the Source from which all things are born, nourished, shaped, ripened, restored, and completed. I am simply a channel for which the energy can flow.

Let it BE

"Letting be is reverence; it is respect. It is what all true worship presumes, for it is letting God be God, letting self be self, letting suffering be suffering, letting joy be joy. With this letting be comes a growth into being and into identity with all these important energies of our lives."

~ Matthew Fox

My life is full. Full of goodness, full of conflict, full of joy, full of sorrow, full of fear, full of love. My life is full of understanding, confusion, resonance, misinterpretation, adversity, acceptance. I was, I am, I am becoming. I am not this or that. I am this and that. Infinitely divisible. Inseparable. Constantly changing, seeking balance. At any given moment, I may be perceived as this or that, but I am much more and much less.

I am All.

If I am All, “All for One and One for All”, and I look at another, is that other any different from me? Yes and no.

“Nonbeing gives birth to the oneness.

The oneness gives birth to yin and yang.

YIn and yang give birth to heaven, earth,

and beings.

Heaven, earth, and beings give birth to

everything in existence.

Therefore everything in existence carries

within it both yin and yang, and attains

its harmony by blending together

these two vital breaths.

Ordinary people hate nothing more than to be

powerless, small, and unworthy.

Yet this is how superior people

describe themselves.

Gain is loss.

Loss is gain.

I repeat what others have said:

The strong and violent don’t die natural deaths.

This is the very essence of my teaching.”

#42 the Tao Te Ching of Lao Tzu, translation by Brian Browne Walker

Recently, conflict arose in my life. In this conflict, differing thoughts and feelings were exchanged amongst women who carry with them varying life experiences, ideas and beliefs that filter what they hear, affect how they listen and inform their choices. I felt the anger, the self-righteousness, and the fixed posturing anchored on the opposing sides of a decision that needed to be made concerning a project I am working on. I once said long ago, “I welcome conflict into my life, it is an opportunity for growth.” I did not state this as a challenge with a desire to bring it into my life, but rather acknowledging it as a valuable exercise in learning to embrace and accept all that is and hopefully to deepen my understanding of self and others.

Lately, I have been perceiving conflict as a confluence of different energies that have not yet fully merged and harmonized. After many years, I now trust that the increased momentum, volume and directional pull that creates turbulence will eventually be drawn back into the flow. Seeing these energies as a phenomena that exists in the natural world provides me with a relative context that connects me with something much larger than my insignificant ego.

One of the aspects inherent in conflict is anger. I relate to anger as fire with an upward energy of expansion and intensity. It requires fuel to continue burning and it contains the power to create and to destroy. I have learned that when anger arises in me, it is present for a reason. It is saying, “pay attention, there is something here that is important for you to stand up for, or ... to heal within yourself”. This indicator must be present in each of us. Can I honor someone’s anger? Can I learn from someone’s anger?

In this recent case of conflict and expression of anger, I recognized the wisdom of letting anger be anger. I knew it was important not to add fuel to the fire. I did not turn or run, but I dropped the bellows. Slowly, I am learning a new way. I knew in this case it was important for me to step back, let go of my personal convictions, remain engaged, and listen to this person’s anger. Where is it coming from? What is the anger saying? If I could let go of my own ideas and beliefs, which I could easily validate, I may learn something. Interesting to note that stepping back is also an important aspect of advancement in the painting process. While painting I can become consumed and focused with one small area that may please me or trouble me and if I don’t take the time to stop, step away and see the big picture I miss the relationship of that piece with the whole.

I decided to listen to the thoughts and feelings of other women that were not involved in the conflict. What I learned is that the anger that arose and I witnessed is rooted in a pain that is universally shared by women. It has been experienced in different ways to varying degrees, but it is a common thread in our herstories as women. For some the story has no voice, for others the voice speaks out demanding respect, and for others, the voice is soft, yielding and powerful. Giving the time to step back to gain a wider perspective offered me the opportunity to be mindful and more aware of my collective connection with other women. I too have experienced this pain. We share something similar, yet we are so different.

In allowing anger to be anger, and allowing pain to be pain, and giving time to listen to the views of others, I experienced the transformational grace of empathy and compassion and I yielded. I understood that the issue that arose was superficial to the power in the lesson underneath. I was not going to convince anyone that I was “right”, because there was no right or wrong. What mattered was my relationship with the whole that is born from the Oneness which gives birth to this and that, which is inseparable.

Awareness of Desire

“Stay centered in the Tao and the world

comes to you:

Comes, and isn’t harmed;

Comes, and finds contentment.

Most travelers are drawn to music and good food.

When Tao is talked about, the words can seem

bland and flavorless.

Looked at, it may not catch the eye.

Listened to, it might not seduce the ear.

Used, it can never be exhausted.”

the Tao Te Ching of Lao Tzu, translated by Brian Browne Walker

8:22pm on a Saturday night and I have sat for two hours in debate with myself. I haven’t sat at a crossroads like this in over seven months and here I am, wanting to go off in a direction that has only a past and no future. That is to say, “have I learned this one yet?”

I want to be dancing right now. Dance for me is freeing. I am the most comfortable within my body when I am dancing. I feel no pain when I’m dancing and I lose all self-conscious concerns when I’m dancing. Nothing else matters, only the rhythms of the music exist. They are what they are, pure rhythm. Layers upon layers of sound vibration. I can choose which one I want to explore and I open and allow the music to move me, and it does. The mind falls away and I meld into Being.

Two and a half hours ago there was a strong spontaneous urge to get in my car and drive down the mountain to the city of Roanoke to hear some soulful Chicago blues played and sung by Bob Margolin. I was dancing in the kitchen this morning with “Global Soul” and I wanted more. But, two hours in the car to listen to music in a place I’ve never been before? Is the Dance there? Do I really want to go alone? I’d take my chances. Yes, alone is preferred when the Dance is a moving meditation. Sometimes it is a social thing, but the Dance is sacred to me and when I dance, I am the Dance. Even in the midst of diverging energies or social atmosphere, I can find my Center in the Dance, and in the Center it is calm and peaceful. There is no separation. It’s about connection. Connection with something beyond words, beyond all understanding, connection that exists without reason and with rhyme or rhythm, connection that encompasses All. So, driving down and back up the mountain late at night for the possibility of connection? With what? Why?

What precipitated this strong urge? Is wanting to hear Bob Margolin and listen to some good blues and possibly dance a guise of something deeper? During the two hour debate I had with myself, I was considering calling an acquaintance that I am interested in learning more about, but that didn’t seem appropriate with such short notice.This is when I began to feel the pull within my body. The restraint that held me motionless grew significantly stronger as the clock ticked away and the window of opportunity slowly closed. When the window shut, I realized that the potential companionship and conversation is what would have made the long drive worthwhile and it wasn’t about the Dance, but it was about connection. A connection of human contact that may have been satisfying. The strong urge that arose, I recognize as Desire. Desire can get the better of you when it leads without awareness, like a riptide that sucks you under and tosses you in many directions, eventually exhausting you. This desire has been simmering very quietly for awhile, for a long while, without disturbing, but someone or something turned the burner up and it stirred me out of my Winter rest in Wonderland.

Patience and perseverance, right timing, rightful action, ... I questioned myself, and took the time to consider the consequences of impulsive behavior. These are the challenging golden moments of self awareness and potential transformational change that I meet along the way. As soon as I recognized what I was truly in conflict with and gained clarity, the subtle shearing pain between my heart, mind and body was released and the awareness of truth revealed was very satisfying. I am learning; it is valuable to step aside and let the undercurrent of intense energy rise and fall and be what IT is. Allowing it to be and riding with the Wave insures balance.