Awareness of Desire

“Stay centered in the Tao and the world

comes to you:

Comes, and isn’t harmed;

Comes, and finds contentment.

Most travelers are drawn to music and good food.

When Tao is talked about, the words can seem

bland and flavorless.

Looked at, it may not catch the eye.

Listened to, it might not seduce the ear.

Used, it can never be exhausted.”

the Tao Te Ching of Lao Tzu, translated by Brian Browne Walker

8:22pm on a Saturday night and I have sat for two hours in debate with myself. I haven’t sat at a crossroads like this in over seven months and here I am, wanting to go off in a direction that has only a past and no future. That is to say, “have I learned this one yet?”

I want to be dancing right now. Dance for me is freeing. I am the most comfortable within my body when I am dancing. I feel no pain when I’m dancing and I lose all self-conscious concerns when I’m dancing. Nothing else matters, only the rhythms of the music exist. They are what they are, pure rhythm. Layers upon layers of sound vibration. I can choose which one I want to explore and I open and allow the music to move me, and it does. The mind falls away and I meld into Being.

Two and a half hours ago there was a strong spontaneous urge to get in my car and drive down the mountain to the city of Roanoke to hear some soulful Chicago blues played and sung by Bob Margolin. I was dancing in the kitchen this morning with “Global Soul” and I wanted more. But, two hours in the car to listen to music in a place I’ve never been before? Is the Dance there? Do I really want to go alone? I’d take my chances. Yes, alone is preferred when the Dance is a moving meditation. Sometimes it is a social thing, but the Dance is sacred to me and when I dance, I am the Dance. Even in the midst of diverging energies or social atmosphere, I can find my Center in the Dance, and in the Center it is calm and peaceful. There is no separation. It’s about connection. Connection with something beyond words, beyond all understanding, connection that exists without reason and with rhyme or rhythm, connection that encompasses All. So, driving down and back up the mountain late at night for the possibility of connection? With what? Why?

What precipitated this strong urge? Is wanting to hear Bob Margolin and listen to some good blues and possibly dance a guise of something deeper? During the two hour debate I had with myself, I was considering calling an acquaintance that I am interested in learning more about, but that didn’t seem appropriate with such short notice.This is when I began to feel the pull within my body. The restraint that held me motionless grew significantly stronger as the clock ticked away and the window of opportunity slowly closed. When the window shut, I realized that the potential companionship and conversation is what would have made the long drive worthwhile and it wasn’t about the Dance, but it was about connection. A connection of human contact that may have been satisfying. The strong urge that arose, I recognize as Desire. Desire can get the better of you when it leads without awareness, like a riptide that sucks you under and tosses you in many directions, eventually exhausting you. This desire has been simmering very quietly for awhile, for a long while, without disturbing, but someone or something turned the burner up and it stirred me out of my Winter rest in Wonderland.

Patience and perseverance, right timing, rightful action, ... I questioned myself, and took the time to consider the consequences of impulsive behavior. These are the challenging golden moments of self awareness and potential transformational change that I meet along the way. As soon as I recognized what I was truly in conflict with and gained clarity, the subtle shearing pain between my heart, mind and body was released and the awareness of truth revealed was very satisfying. I am learning; it is valuable to step aside and let the undercurrent of intense energy rise and fall and be what IT is. Allowing it to be and riding with the Wave insures balance.